Remember Me
by Flower 'n' Prongs
Summary: Lily and Snape run into each other and after years of not talking, attempt to have a civil conversation. But that means they must accept the other person's life and who their once-best friend has now become. Lily/James, one-sided Snape/Lily
1. Chapter 1

**Part I - Recollections**

I was examining tomatoes at the grocery store, checking to see which ones were perfect. I had managed to absorb myself in this task, which I was thankful for. The pain that I had been feeling for the past few days was becoming impossible to deal with. I needed to be numbed by something, anything. Even something as simple as doing the groceries had me content. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay without thinking for long.

"Lily?"

My head jerked up and my cold hand clenched the bag I was holding. The voice. It was one I would recognize anywhere, it was one I had not managed to get out of my head even after a full four-and-a-half years. Still, I didn't want to believe that I would run into him here. Not now. With a deep breath I took a glimpse over my left shoulder, to confirm what I already knew. Sure enough, it was him.

"Lily?" he repeated, black eyes questioning.

I examined him, my eyes running over him quickly. He was the same person that I remembered. Black hair falling into his equally dark eyes, a shocking contrast to his pale skin. He was slightly taller than I remembered, but still lanky and angular. He remained dressed almost head to toe in black, the only slight colour coming from his emerald green sweater.

"Hello." It was the first time I had been completely civil since that day in June at the end of our Fifth Year in Hogwarts. I was not in the mood to argue with him. I was too determined to remain numb to allow my hurt and anger to take over me in the produce section.

He did not seem as shocked as I was by my reply. "Remember me?" he asked, a slight tone of humour in his typically cold, even voice.

"Yes," I replied simply. "How could I forget?"

He shifted, looking uncomfortable, and his cart slipped forward a few inches. "I was hoping you had," he said, his voice quiet.

"I don't think I've forgotten much about what we used to have," I admitted.

"So you remember the deal we made about if we reached 35 and were still single then?" he asked. His serious tone was added to by his gaze, his eyes unmoving from mine.

It was my turn to shift from one leg to the other. "Yes," I admitted slowly. "I do."

_It was a Saturday evening in October and we were walking around the grounds at school. We had just started our second year at Hogwarts and were glad to have, finally, gotten out of being the littlest kids in the school. As we reached the Quidditch Pitch, I turned and looked up at Severus._

"_Are you going to try out this year Sev?"_

_He looked at me with what could only be described as utter shock, like I had lost my mind. "Are you kidding?" he spluttered. "I'm only a second year, I'd get creamed! There's no way I'd make the team, especially as a Keeper. And that's the only position open this year."_

"_Second years don't always make idiots of themselves," I said firmly, rolling my eyes. "James Potter made our team this afternoon. I heard him and his idiot friends celebrating."_

"_Lils," Severus whined. "Don't compare me to that asshole."_

_I glared at him. "I wasn't," I said firmly. "I was just saying that if he could do it, it couldn't be an impossible task."_

"_But you know that he's… er, he's…" Severus trailed off._

_I knew what he had been hinting at. "Really good?" I supplied._

_Severus glared at me. "Lily! You can't say that about him!"_

"_I can too!" I insisted as the wind flared up and blew my red hair across my face. "I don't like him, I still think he's an complete prick, but I can admit that he's good. You didn't see him, you were with the Hufflepuffs for flying lessons."_

_Severus grumbled something indecipherable. "Sev, what!?" I snapped. I hated it when he avoided telling me what he was thinking._

"_It's just that everybody knows he has a huge crush on you!"_

_I stopped walking and blinked. As the realization of what he had just implied said hit me, a grin slowly spread over my face. "Sev, you're JEALOUS of him, aren't you?"  
_

_After opening and closing his mouth several times, Severus managed to spit out a "No!" The pinkish tinge that had crept up over his usually sallow skin gave him away though._

"_You ARE," I insisted with a laugh. You think that I'm going to ditch you and fall head over heels for Potter sometime, don't you?"  
_

"_Lily…" he whined, his voice trailing off._

"_I'm not going to marry him Sev, he's a loser!" I proclaimed, shoving my hands, now freezing from the autumn breeze, into my pockets._

_This seemed to cheer him up a bit. "You promise?"_

"_Of course Sev," I assured him, walking closer to his side and putting my head near his shoulder briefly in comfort. "Don't start planning the Potter-Evans wedding, it's not going to happen."_

_This made him laugh. "So, who do you like then?"_

"_Nobody," I answered promptly. Severus gave me a weird look, but I just looked right back. "It's true, I swear," I insisted. It was, I had not had a crush on any of my schoolmates. "How about you?"_

"_Nobody," he replied, just as swiftly. Something about his tone made me think that he was lying, but I knew better than to push him. If Severus Snape decided that he wasn't going to tell somebody something, that person had no chance of ever getting the truth out of him._

"_Liar," I said, before I could think about stopping myself._

_He just laughed. "Maybe I'll tell you later," he said vaguely. I knew what this meant though, he tended to hope I would forget conversations he didn't like. Before I could say anything else, he changed the subject. "So, since we don't like anybody, I have a proposition for you."_

_I paused, wary of what this offer was going to be. "Okay…"_

_Severus grinned. "Well, you don't want to die an old maid who never gets married, do you?"_

_I glared at him and, risking my hand freezing, pulled my right hand out of my pocket and gave him a shove. "I'm not going to die without ever being married."_

"_Thanks to my plan you won't," he said, correcting me. "How about if you and I both aren't married by the time we're 35, we get married to one another?"_

_I giggled before I realized he wasn't laughing with me. Blinking several times, I asked, "Wait… are you serious Sev?"_

_He huffed and rolled his eyes. "Yes," he grumbled._

"_Oh," I said, well aware of how my one syllable managed to convey a lot of my shock at the sudden, strange suggestion. "But Sev, we don't turn thirteen until January. We have over a twenty years before we're 35!"_

"_I know," he said. "But I just thought it was a good idea for both of us to have a 'just in case' thing. You know, a backup plan."_

_I intended to sound upset, but the effect was sort of ruined as the wind blew my hair in my mouth and I spluttered to get it out. By the time I had gotten it back into place, Severus was trying not to laugh at me. This only added fuel to my fire though. "So, I'm going to just be some back-up you can rely on if you don't get married?"_

_He rolled his eyes. "Lily, don't be ridiculous. I didn't mean it like that. I doubt you'll be single at 35 anyway."_

"_Suck up," I muttered, which he laughed at._

"_Seriously though Lils, I don't think you'll be single. It was a 'just in case', a Plan B. It was more for me than you anyway."_

_I rolled my eyes. "Sev, are you trying to tell me that you think that the only way you're going to get married is if I am not married at 35 and I choose to marry you then?"_

_Severus's cheeks went pink again. "I…"_

"_I'm sure you'll meet somebody Sev," I told him._

"_Sure," he said, looking rather miserable. I could tell that he didn't believe me._

Smiling at the memory, I decided that I might as well be polite. "So, are you seeing anybody?"

Instantly, I saw that this was the wrong question to ask. A look of… was that pain? Well, certainly a look that implied some sort of hurt crossed over Severus's face. Even though it only lasted for a moment, I could never have mistaken it. Over the seven years of our friendship, I had seen that look many times for reasons scattering from his parents to bad grades to girl troubles. "Sorry," I apologized. "I see that your romantic life is still a secretive subject for you."

He nodded twice. "Yes, it is," he said simply. "How about you?" A look of subtle hopefulness came across his face as he asked, "You and James Potter, did you…"

The end of his sentence could have been one of two extremes, but from the look on his face, I knew that he was hoping that I had broken up with James. I knew that, in his eyes, breaking up with James would mean that I was coming to my senses.

"Well?" he prompted.

"We got married the August after we graduated from Hogwarts," I informed him, a smile coming across my face at the memory.

"The August after we graduated from Hogwarts," Severus repeated. After watching me nod, he added, "You mean that you got married two months after we graduated."

"Yes," I said, my voice even.

His eyes widened and he looked at me as though I had lost my mind. "You were married at eighteen to James fucking Potter."

I glared at him. I had been told many times over that I had the face of an angel but a look that could kill and I had every intention of using that to my advantage now. "Actually, his middle name is Charles not 'fucking'. But yes, I married him when I was eighteen. I don't see why this is such a surprise, it's not like twenty is so old."

"I know it's not," he half-said, half-hissed back. "But does this mean that you were engaged while we were at Hogwarts and you never actually told anybody about it?"

Trying to keep my breathing even, I shook my head. "It's not really any of your business, but no. We got engaged on the last day of school."

Severus's eyes widened. "The last day of school."

"Yes," I said, not quite sure where he was going with this.

"So, when Potter was spinning you around before we got on the train…"

"He had just proposed, yes."

"And when Black was yelling after we boarded…"

"About James and I being together forever? Yes, it was true."

Severus tilted his head to the side, his black eyes narrowing slightly. Even though he was now in very different clothing and in a completely different setting, his expression reminded me exactly of a look that I had seen before.

_James and I were standing just outside of the doors to the castle, watching as most of the students exited onto the grounds happy for summer to start. The few seventh year students who had already left were continually looking over their shoulders back at the castle. I could see my own feelings of nostalgia reflected in their own faces. While it was nice to think that we were finally done school, I wasn't sure that I could feel entirely happy when I had to leave Hogwarts. This was the place I had done a lot of my growing up, where I had lost my best childhood friend, and where I had gotten my education. Perhaps, most of all, it was where I had become friends with people I knew were going to be my lifelong friends and met the man I couldn't imagine spending my life without now, even though two years ago I would have told you that you were insane for suggesting that I would one day feel this way._

_As the students exiting the castle were getting older and coming less frequently, James and I started to get more antsy and anxious. Even though I had been expecting it to be difficult to leave what had become my home over the past seven years, I had not been expecting it to be quite this hard. Simply thinking about everything that I was going to miss was enough to make me sigh._

_I looked up at James to see him starting to look down at me in return. He could see my somewhat stressed expression. "Lily, calm down," he whispered with a laugh. He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead and placed his arm securely around my waist._

"_I'm trying," I whispered back, trying to laugh as well. I could feel myself starting to blush as I said a soft, "Sorry."_

_He rolled his eyes at me. "Lils, sweetheart, don't worry."_

"_Okay," I murmured, reaching upwards to gently kiss his lips._

_Just as James started to kiss me back, a loud cough startled me. Pulling away to see who it was, I was not surprised to see a massive group of seventh years. My five best friends were in a group with James's three best friends, who he told me called themselves the "Marauders". The five Gryffindors, two Hufflepuffs, and one Ravenclaw were standing in their school uniforms for the last time and appeared to have either just been discussing something humorous or laughing at James and I._

"_Jamesie boy," Sirius said in a booming voice, his trademark grin spreading across his face. "I think I speak for all of us when I say, please keep your pecker in your pants and your tongue in your mouth."_

_I rolled my eyes and James made a face. "Well Sirius, I have a few things to say to you. First off, I'm pretty sure that everything is in its proper place. Secondly, I'm still your Head Boy for a little while longer and I am going to use all of my power over you as long as possible. Finally, and I mean this with all due respect, which I hope you interpret as 'none', fuck off."_

_With the exception of Sirius, everybody laughed. My Ravenclaw, super-model like friend Liv looked Sirius in the eye and grinned. "You can't say you didn't see that coming," she said. "You were being a bit of a… um… how do I put this nicely…"_

"Dick with a tendency to exaggerate?" Peter supplied.

_Liv nodded excited. "Exactly, thanks Pete."_

_I sighed. "Okay, don't make me have one of my last power trips. Get your bums moving and get a couple of compartments on the train."_

"_Will do," Popuri said, being her usual agreeable, sweet self. "But this time, I am not sitting on somebody's trunk. Especially if it has a curved top."_

_Whenever my group of friends and the Marauders ended up talking to each other on the train, we had a tendency to try and squish into one compartment and shove all of our luggage into another. For the earlier train rides in seventh year, we had managed to do it fairly well for a couple of hours at a time. Not willing to make somebody else take one of the more uncomfortable seats, Popuri had ended up sitting on the most uncomfortable of the seats much longer than everybody else._

"_Picky, picky," Sirius tutted. However, he started off across the grounds and was followed by the rest of the large group._

_After a couple of more minutes, the flow of students from the castle had pretty much stopped. After giving me one more kiss on the forehead, James's beautiful hazel eyes met my green ones. "Are you ready to go?" he said, a note of sadness in his voice._

_Not trusting myself to talk without starting to cry, I merely nodded. Letting me lean over to pick up my purse, James took my right hand firmly in his. We had only made our way most of the way to the train when James stopped dead in his tracks._

"_Sweetie?" I said, the only amount of talking I trusted myself to do without my voice breaking._

_James game me a gentle kiss on the lips. "It's nothing bad love," he assured me, his adorable half-smile lighting up his face. "I was just thinking about how this is the place where I first insisted that I was going to date you and make you fall in love with me one day."_

_I smiled despite my sadness. "You did that hun," I said softly. "You definitely did that."_

"_I know," he replied. "But I just wanted to do one more thing before we left."_

"_Sure," I said, looking up at him with concern._

_James took my other hand and backed up, to look at me from a couple of feet away. Pulling me close and placing another gentle kiss on my forehead, he let go of my hands and slowly got down on one knee._

_I gasped, my hand flying up to my mouth. "James…" I trailed off, starting to shake slightly._

"_Lily Alice Juliet Evans," James began, looking up at me with a smile. "I know that saying we got off to a rough start would be an understatement. But, from the very beginning, I had developed a crush on you. I would even go as far as to say that it was love at first sight. I knew that you were the girl I was destined to spend the rest of my life with, but I didn't know how to come out and say it properly. I thought I had ruined my chances with you, so you don't know how excited I was when I realized I hadn't. The day that you said you would go on a date with me was the happiest day of my life up to that point, only to be replaced by the day that we first said 'I love you'. The day that we first mentioned being together beat that and every day we spent together I fell more and more in love with you, even though I didn't think that it was possible._

"_Today, I can't imagine my life without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Lily. I will do whatever I can to make you happy. I would give my life for you and I swear that I will be the best husband that you could possibly imagine. You are my everything, my Lily. I love you so much and I don't know what I would do without you."_

_James reached into his pocked and pulled out a deep green velvet box. "Lily Alice Juliet Evans," he repeated, pulling open the box to reveal an amazing, sparkling diamond ring. Taking my shaking left hand into his left hand gently, he placed his lips on the top of my hand. "Will you marry me?"_

_It was only then that I realized a couple of tears were rolling down my cheeks. After opening and closing my mouth several times, I managed to give my give a breathless, "Yes." James burst into an amazing grin, his entire face ecstatic. With a more firm voice, I exclaimed, "Yes, yes of course."_

_I pulled the simple promise ring he had given me off of my finger swiftly, after which James eagerly slipped the diamond ring on and capped it off carefully with the promise ring. After gently giving the two rings a kiss, he stood up and took me into his arms. "We're getting married," James whispered in my ear excitedly, spinning me around in his arms._

_My face broke out into a wide smile and I laughed, feeling utter joy. My heart was pounding a mile a minute in my chest and I buried my face in James's neck, kissing him repeatedly. After a few more spins James placed me down and kissed me firmly on the lips. Pulling away, I caught an unmistakable face out of the corner of my eye._

_A small bag in his hand, Severus Snape was standing perfectly still on the grounds, even his somewhat greasy hair was perfectly still and unruffled in the slight breeze coming off of the lake. From the distance that I was at, I thought that his eyes looked pained. I knew that, even now, he felt somewhat hurt by the fact that I was with James. Even though I was still hurt by his name calling two years ago, I still didn't want to hurt him. He was my first best friend at Hogwarts, I couldn't change that._

"You looked so happy," Severus said, sounding somewhat confused.

His confusion left me equally as puzzled. "Of course I looked happy," I said softly. "I had just gotten engaged to the man of my dreams. What was there not to be happy about?"

"It's just…" he began, trailing off. "Lily, you know how I've felt about James Potter from day one. I don't see why you're surprised that the news of my best friend from childhood, hell, the best friend I've ever had, getting married to one of my tormentors bothers me."

I shifted, somewhat uncomfortable at the comment. "You must have seen it coming though," I told him softly. "It wasn't like our relationship was kept a secret, it was always something we were open about."

"You certainly weren't open about your wedding."

"There are some things that are best left private in these times," I snapped. "Especially among people like James and I. Mudbloods and blood-traitors aren't well liked."

Severus flinched at the word "mudblood", as I had been expecting. I knew that he was still touchy about that word, as was I. While I had known, probably all along, that he hadn't meant it, that did not numb the sting of his words. And, though I hated to admit that I was so nasty, seeing that I had caused him some pain left me with a feeling of satisfaction.

Yet he kept his cool, which I had to give him credit for. "Yes," he said softly. "I suppose that it is best for Muggleborns, like you, to try to stay as far away from conflict as possible right now."

The stress that he had put on the words 'Muggleborns, like you' did not go by me unnoticed. I turned so I was looking at him head on, finally meeting his eyes in a continuous gaze. After several seconds of looking into his black eyes, which I had not done for years, I began to feel slightly uncomfortable. He had always seemed to be able to read me well and, at this point, I was not sure that I should risk it. I averted my eyes, unnecessarily looking down at my purse for a moment, before looking back up at his face. I was surprised to see that he was no longer looking at my face though, but my bloated stomach, which I had unconsciously placed my hand over protectively.

I bit the corner of my lip, as he gave me a curious look. "Lily, are you…"

He trailed off, waiting for me to finish his sentence. Refusing to put words into his mouth, I simply raised an eyebrow. He sighed, before repeating, "Lily, are you pregnant?"

I hesitated, but I knew that he was simply waiting for a confirmation. "Yeah," I whispered, as though it made revealing the news any less major.

Severus gaped at me, eyes wide, and I rubbed my thumb over my stomach again. "When?"

My mind began spinning, running over the events in my head. James running his hand across my bare stomach and whispering in my ear as I unlocked the door. Being shoved up against the closet door within seconds of taking my shoes off. His tongue swirling around mine, hungry and desperate. James picking me up and making his way to our bedroom so quickly that I wasn't quite sure how we got there. Lying back on the bed, shirtless, as he kissed his way down from my lips… my neck, between my breasts, down my stomach, until he reached the button of my jeans.

"Lily?"

My mind snapped out of my memories and I flushed. "Um…" I said, stalling for time. I knew that everything I had just thought of was not what he wanted to hear. "This past fall. I'm due this summer."

"Oh," he said, his eyes drifting back to my stomach.

The silence that came after that was slightly uncomfortable, with neither of us quite sure what to say. I was the one who decided to break it, by saying the first thing that came into my mind. "So, do you live around here?"

He chuckled. "Yes, why else would I be grocery shopping here?"

I shrugged, realizing how dumb the question sounded. Severus asked, "Do you? I haven't seen you around here before."

I shook my head. "No, James and I just had to come back here for the next few days. We don't live in the area. Neither do Petunia and Vernon."

"Are they back too?" he asked. After I nodded, he asked, "Why did you both choose to come back at the same time? Do you get along again?"

"No," I said. The anxious, nauseous feeling was starting to creep up again, but I tried to brush it off. "We had to."

Not surprisingly, this answer wasn't enough for Severus. "Why?"

I balled my hands up and clenched my teeth. I broke eye contact and looked down, swallowing hard. It was only after he said my name again that I took a deep breath and looked up slightly. "Our parents died," I said softly. "We came back for the funeral."


	2. Chapter 2

-1**Part II - Regrets**

Lily looked up slightly, her beautiful green eyes meeting mine through long, thick eyelashes.

"Our parents died," she said, so softly that at first I thought I misheard her. "We came back for their funeral."

She nodded, and I saw her front teeth nibbling on the corner of her lower lip.

I'm so sorry," I told her automatically, not really thinking about what she said. Her parents would have only been in their late 40s, they couldn't possibly be dead. And certainly not at the same time. "How did it happen?"

As soon as the question had left my lips, I realized how inconsiderate and morbid it sounded. Yet, in a strange way, I had to know.

"They were hit by a drunk driver when they were walking back home a few days ago." Lily's voice sounded dead, flat. "They won't get to meet their grandchildren, Petunia's due the month before I am. My baby isn't going to have any grandparents." She paused for a moment, before adding, "I'm an orphan."

It took a moment for this news to sink in. Sweet Mr and Mrs Evans were always extremely nice to me and made me feel welcome, much like their daughter had been. The thought of the two of them being the victims of a drunk driver didn't seem possible. They had always tried to get Lily and her sister to be friends again and, last thing I knew, been the only thing that was keeping the girls' minimal contact with one another continue.

_"She didn't even send me a birthday card this year," Lily announced, flopping herself down next to me in the library. "She just signed Mum and Dad's card."_

"What a bitch," I said bluntly. I had never pretended to like her, she had always looked down on me and her insults had broken Lily's heart.

"Sev," she said, her voice strangely calm. "It's not like it's my 17th, I'm only 16 this year. I'd be more upset next year."

"It's still her little sister's birthday, she should at least have the class to send something." I knew that I was being snarky about the entire thing. But, in my mind, it was ridiculous to think that somebody wouldn't want to be a part of Lily's life.

Lily looked at me and shifted uncomfortably and shrugged. It appeared that she had a sudden thought as a smirk came over her face and she raised an eyebrow. "I realize that a certain male best friend of mine hasn't sent me anything for my birthday though."

I rolled my eyes. "I wasn't aware I had to owl whatever I bought for you."

"Well, it's fun to get parcels from owls," she said. "And I usually don't get many, with the entire parents-being-Muggles thing."

"True," I nodded. "Did you get theirs this morning?"

"Yeah." She paused for a moment, before adding, "And Potter's."  
_While I was sure that she knew I was thinking, she kept talking. _

_"Two dozen roses, a hardcopy book with a collection of Shakespeare's plays, and a huge box of Muggle chocolate," she said. "It was massive, but at least it's useful. Though I'm not going to tell him that."_

_"Mmm," I murmured, thinking about the pair of shoes her best female friend, Aurora, had helped me pick out on the last Hogsmeade trip. Suddenly, I felt as though they weren't enough._

_"What's wrong Sev?" She placed her pale hand on my arm and I swallowed hard. _

_"Nothing."_  
_The look on her face showed her disbelief at this comment, but she let it slide. "Come on, let's go to lunch then."_  
_I sighed, but picked up my bag as she stood up. The same thought kept ringing in my mind _

_… "You will never deserve her."_

She blinked a few times, frown lines appearing on her forehead.

Happy birthday," I blurted out.

"Excuse me?" I could feel the heat creep up onto my face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that," I said in a rushed voice. "I mean, I did. I do hope you have a happy birthday. It was just a bad time to say that, wasn't it?"

She completely ignored my comments. "Why was that even on your mind?"

I hesitated, not really wanting to answer. But the glare that she gave me, one that I had grown accustomed to over our last couple years at Hogwarts, made me answer. "I was thinking about your sister and the last birthday you had when we… when we were friends." The thought stung more than I wanted to admit. "And then I realized that it was right around your birthday."

"Oh," she said softly. "Yeah, I guess it is. I feel so much older than 20 though."

I could sympathize with her. I was only three weeks older than her, and I had certainly seen more than any 20-year-old deserved too. "I understand."

I watched her shift her weight from one foot to the next. Pale pink circles had begun to form around her eyes; she looked like she was trying to avoid crying in the produce section. I watched as she fiddled with the buttons on her coat, avoiding making eye contact with me. Yet despite her red eyes, the purple-y bags under her eyes, and her lack of makeup, I still thought that she was beautiful.

"What have you been up to?" she asked me.

I could tell that she was trying to get her mind off of her parents' deaths, and I was willing to oblige. My own father had not been a part of my life since I was fourteen, when my mother had finally gotten the nerve to kick him out of the house. I had come home from Lily's house later that week, to find my mother's wand had been snapped cleanly in half and was lying beside the door. I then saw my mother, lying conscious on the sitting room floor with her leg sticking out oddly and her left eye purple and bruised. Lily had helped me through that, coming over to help revive my mother and giving me the comfort I did not admit that I needed during the Muggle lawsuit against my father. Now I knew that she needed somebody more so than I had relied on her then, yet I knew that I was not the person she wanted to be comforted by. I knew the person that she was relying on was Potter. In my eyes, she would always be my Lily. But in her eyes, she would always be his. Perhaps worst of all was that in everyone else's eyes, she had always been his. Before she had agreed to date him, people knew not to mess with James Potter and (it was painful to think) _his_ Lily.

The thought made the rage I had been so successful at keeping at bay bubble up inside me, threatening to explode at any minute. But I couldn't do that, not to Lily. The last thing she needed was for me to cause her more problems, with her parents death, being a Muggleborn, and having Potter's spawn growing inside of her. So I said the only thing that I could say, "I haven't been doing all that much. I've been working the evening shift at an apothecary and at a potioneer's during the day. I applied for the Defence Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts last year, but I was unsuccessful."

That was all true, of course. Dumbledore had his suspicions about me, though he didn't dare say it. He probably still hoped that I would turn to his side and fight the Dark Lord. I don't think that he realized how simple it would be to convince me. He had the best weapon of all on his side, working religiously to eliminate those who hated her and people like her, but he didn't know it. I don't know if I would be able to say no to Lily if she asked me. Not if it meant that I had a chance with her. Not if it meant that I could make it back into her life. I would do anything, I just needed to be with her again.

Lily, apparently, was not content merely knowing what I had been doing dead-end-career wise though. Instead, being female, she had to ask more personal questions, ones that I did not want to answer. "Have you really not been seeing anybody?"

She had tried to keep her tone light, as though the answer was neither here nor there to her. The underlying curiosity, which had gotten her into trouble so many times before, was coming out. "No," I said. "At least, nothing remotely serious."

Of course it was nothing serious. How could it be serious when the one woman I wanted, the only woman I had ever wanted, had barely talked to me for four years and was married to one of the men I detested most? I couldn't tell this to Lily though. She had never known, even when we were best friends she didn't want to see it.

Lily's gave a reply of "oh", after which she fell silent. She seemed to be feeling just as awkward as I was, with her mind racing through memories. I scratched my left forearm subconsciously, as there was a slight momentary prickle of pain. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped and tried to look nonchalant.

I turned to Lily, only to find her looking at my arm curiously. She did not say anything as her eyes reached up to meet mine, but a slight furrow formed between her eyebrows. "Sev?" she asked, questioning me even though she knew what my answer was going to be.

"Do you really think I could do that?" I asked softly, feeling my chest tighten at the sound of her old nickname. I refused to believe that she was only using it to get me to open up to her. No, I wanted to believe she was finally going to forgive me. I was not sure I wanted to know what she thought, I didn't want to know if she was aware of what I had done to people like her.

This question seemed to make her uncomfortable. Her hand reached back for her stomach again and I saw the ring on her hand glinting under the florescent lights as her thumb rubbed back and forth over the material. After a long pause, she finally said, "I'd like to think that you couldn't. But I really don't know." She nibbled at the side of her lip as she finished talking, looking up at me as though daring me to insist that she was wrong.

I hated that I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear, at least not honestly. I didn't like disappointing her, not after I had done it so often already. But that was, essentially, what I had done by joining the Dark Lord. By turning against so many people like her.

Somehow, I could not make myself to meet her gorgeous green eyes, out of fear of what she would see. "I take it Potter is trying to be some big hero again, fighting against the Dark Lord."

"Yes," she snapped back. I was certain that if I looked up, I would see her trying to stare me down.

I sneered, memories from early seventh year bubbling to the front of my mind. "He always did think that it was his job to take care of people like you."

"That's not a bad thing," Lily hissed.

I finally did look directly at her again. She looked frustrated, which did not surprise me in the slightest. It had never been hard to get her riled up if you knew what buttons to press. The only time she hadn't snapped was if she had somebody she was looking out for or to avoid trouble.

_I was walking through the halls at a quick pace, hands shoved in the pockets of my Slytherin robes. It was a Friday night, but I had the strong desire to be on my own, away from my fellow students. I was strolling the corridors absentmindedly, with the excuse of being a prefect ready if I were to run into a professor. But that was unnecessary, with the silence of the night only interrupted by my rapid footsteps._

_I had made my way up to the third floor corridors before I heard sounds. They were soft, as though the culprit was trying not to be heard, but I had picked up on them anyway. I turned left, hand grasped tightly around my wand, trying to resist the urge to move even faster and use Lumos. When I finally did come close enough to the culprits, my adjusted eyes revealed the couple snogging against the wall._

_"Lumos," I cried._

_It took the couple a moment to stop after the light washed over them. A wave of jealousy washed over me as I looked at Lily and Potter. He straightened up quickly, removing his lips from where they had been trailing down her pale neck. Lily's hands pulled out from where they had been wrapped around his stomach, leaving his school shirt untucked._

_It seemed to take them another second before they realized exactly what had just happened. "Snape," Potter said, inching over so he covered up Lily from my view a bit more and reaching into his robe pockets for his wand._

_I smirked as he reached into his pocket. "Potter."_

_Potter looked down at his trousers, where slight evidence of what he had just been doing was visible. He flushed slightly. "What are you doing out of bed Snape? I think that maybe I should dock points for this. A prefect, of all people, breaking the rules."_

_"I was patrolling," I told him coldly, keeping my voice level._

_"Bull shit," he replied, without hesitation. "There are six people patrolling tonight, and you're not one of them."_

_I sneered at him. "You wouldn't have memorized that," I said. "You're just looking for a reason to get me in trouble."_

_"No, Severus, he's not." I had missed that sweet, feminine voice. "We know who is patrolling every night and James is right, you're not one of them tonight. So just tell us why you were really out of bed."_

_I shook my head. "There isn't anything to tell."_

_"Of course there is," Potter said with a laugh. "What have you been up to Snape. I will figure it out eventually, so just save us both the effort and say it now."_

_Within seconds, I was three feet away from him with my wand pointed directly at his chest. "You are way too bloody arrogant for your own good," I whispered. "You aren't the god you think you are Potter. A lot more happens in this castle than you think does, but you are so sure that nothing slips under your nose."_

_Potter's lopsided smirk returned to his face. Once again he was so certain that he had the sun rotating around him. "Think you can do things right beside Albus Dumbledore and get away with them, Snivellus? He tells me more than you can even dream."_

_"Lies," I hissed._

_Potter and I stood almost eye to eye for a moment before he looked behind him for a split second. "Come on Lily," he said, reaching for her right hand with his left one. "I think we should go."_

_The second that he turned around, revealing Lily with her puffy lips and messed up hair, was too much for me. I placed my wand within centimetres of his neck. "You don't really think you can get away that easily after being caught snogging with the Head Girl and making fun of a Prefect, do you?"_

_Potter's right hand flew up and grasped my wrist tightly, moving my wand away from his neck with force. "It would be my word against yours Snape," he said._

_I couldn't help but sneer. "You've gotten yourself into more trouble than anybody else in the school Potter, I don't think it would be hard to be more trustworthy than you."_

_"Fine," he said, his voice unusually calm. "Your word against Lily's."_

_I froze for a moment and his grip on my wrist slackened. By the time I realized what was happening, Potter was several feet away from me and, instead, I found myself almost chest to chest with Lily Evans._

_"Severus, you should not be out of bed," she said calmly. "Put your wand away before I have to report you for pulling your want out against the Head Girl and Head Boy. I want you to go straight back down to the dungeons." I opened my mouth to retort, but her eyes narrowed. "No, be quiet. I will know if you go back. But if you are back there within five minutes, I won't take any points off. So go, quickly, and I will be forced to take points off if you don't."_

_I nodded meekly, unable to not do what she requested. Instead I merely followed her orders, wishing the entire time that I had been given the chance to jinx Potter for doing what he had done with Lily._

As I stood next to Lily, across from piles of apples and oranges, I couldn't help but wish that we had been able to reconcile when we were at school. Maybe then I wouldn't be stuck feeling as though I did not know my best friend for more than half of a decade at all anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

-1**Part III - Redemption**

I tried not to let my anger show when Severus started to insult my husband, but it was more difficult than I was anticipating. He had known me too well for too long, and was well aware of how to get me riled up. I failed to see how James feeling the need to protect "people like me" would be a character flaw.

"That's not a bad thing," I said. I balled one of my fists up, with my nails digging into my palm.

Severus was quiet for what seemed like a long time, which made me slightly uncomfortable. I didn't know if he was trustworthy and I couldn't ignore the fact that he had been rubbing his left forearm. It was smart to be cautious around strangers in times like this and I had to face the truth in that yes, Severus had been little more than a stranger to me for the previous four years.

"Why did you never forgive me?"

That was one question I was not expecting, and I'm sure it showed. My eyes widened, my jaw dropped a bit, and it felt like my eyebrows were trying to get into an inhumane position on my forehead. "Excuse me?" My words came out like a splutter. Anywhere else, that mixed with my expression would have been embarrassing. But it barely even crossed my mind, given the circumstances.

Severus looked at me, with his black eyes staring into mine intently. There was no signs that he wasn't one hundred percent serious. "Why did you never forgive me?"

"You called me a _Mudblood_ Severus," I said, stressing the offensive word. "You were my best male friend and you insulted me when I was trying to help you. I realized that you couldn't be the person I thought you were. The person I knew would never have said something like that to me."

This time, there was no denying that the look that crossed his face was pained, even though he regained composure within a few seconds. "But you had no problem forgiving Potter for everything he had done to me."

His words felt like a punch in the stomach. "James changed," I whispered. "He's not that immature little boy anymore."

_We were eighteen, recently graduated and even more recently married. James had come home from a meeting with Dumbledore, and he was beaming with pride. We had both been asked to join the Order of the Phoenix and he had just been given his first re-location assignment. A Squib had married a muggleborn, and Dumbledore was guessing that they would be killed. After all, he had tarnished his family name twice over as a blood traitor and a Squib and she had no magical heritage._

_He later told me that he felt better than he had in his life. After all, what was he other than a blood traitor to the Death Eaters? "I don't see how people can say blood purity matters Lils," he said one night after we had crawled into bed. "Your parents are Muggles, and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me by far."_

"_Thank you sweetheart," I said, kissing his bare chest._

"_I'll protect you no matter what," he whispered into my hair, his voice so low that I had to strain to pick everything up. "I'll never let anybody hurt you. Ever. They would have to kill me first to get to you."_

"I know," I whispered back to him. "I know."

_We were just starting our seventh year, when an owl landed on the table in front of James, a bright blue envelop in its mouth. This drew some attention, because the owls rarely brought anybody letters when it wasn't breakfast time._

"_What's it say?" Sirius asked, his mouth full of potatoes._

"_He hasn't opened it yet, you twit," Remus said, rolling his eyes._

_The expression that crossed James's face as he pulled the sheet of parchment out and began to read engraved itself into my mind. I was sitting directly across from him, with an excellent view of his face going white before developing a sallow, sick looking tinge. He dropped the letter on the table, took off his glasses, rubbed the spot where they rested on his nose, before putting them back on and walking out of the Great Hall._

_Sirius read the letter for the rest of us out loud. "Dear Mister Potter," he began. "We regret to inform you that your parents have been hospitalized. Both have developed nasty bouts of Dragon Pox…" His voice trailed off. The disease was often fatal, especially for older people. People like James's parents._

_We were in sixth year and I finally figured out why James and Remus had been exceptionally angry with Sirius and Peter early on in the year. James and I had been having a conversation when he slipped and mentioned that Sirius, with the help of Peter, had planned a vicious plan against Severus._

"_I don't like Snape either, but I don't think a hilarious prank would be getting the guy killed," James said, sighing and running his fingers through his hair._

"_They tried to kill him?" I was shocked. I had no idea that they were that violent or cruel. "What did they try to do?"_

James hesitated, realizing that he had let something very important slip. "I can't say," he said slowly, looking at me with pleading eyes. "But Peter gave Sirius the idea for a prank that would have gotten Snape killed and hurt one of the rest of us. I found out and pulled him back before something would happen that'd send Sirius to Azkaban."

_Something in his tone of voice made me pause. "You only did it to help your best friend, or were you trying to protect yourself too?"_

_James sighed. "Both," he admitted. "And, as much as I hate the guy, when I realized what Sirius had planned for him I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit back and watch somebody innocent be killed. Well," he said, pausing to laugh, "not innocent, but… uh…"_

"I know what you mean," I assured him.

_We were in our fifth year and I was standing by a tree near the lake. I had the same word repeating over and over in my head ("Mudblood. Mudblood. Mudblood.") and James Potter was standing up to me against a boy who had, only minutes before, been the closest male friend that I ever had. The one who had just told me that he didn't need to be defended by a Mudblood like me, as though I was the scum beneath his shoes._

_I had expected bad things from James Potter, but he never ceased to defend me when he had the chance. I had expected good things from Severus Snape, but he had just broken my heart a little bit when he said I was a Mudblood._

_Severus's insult rang out in my head again ("I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her." Mudblood. Mudblood.) and I picked up my pace. I would not let him see me cry over him._

"You forgave him for every hex, every curse, and every punch he sent my way," Severus said, speaking very slowly. "But you could never find it in yourself to forgive me for the one word that I threw your way."

I opened and closed my mouth several times, not sure of how to respond. "I don't know," I whispered, shifting my weight uncomfortably. I knew that this was not the answer he wanted, and it wasn't one I wanted to give. But I just didn't know exactly how to explain it to him. "Okay," I said, starting over. "You hurt me a lot. Badly. In the worst way possible. You insulted me and implied my family was somehow not as good as yours. And not just for me either, it was like you insulted every single person who has Muggle parents! Especially given the situation with the war, you can see why that is a sensitive topic."

Severus stood in silence, moving his cart back and forth slightly. "Oh," he said.

I was expecting more of a response from him. "I didn't think you would ever hurt me," I mumbled. I wasn't sure why I said it. I hadn't mean to say it, since it was something so personal, but that didn't seem to stop my mouth from saying it.

"I didn't think I would ever hurt you either," Severus said sadly.

_We were sixteen, going back to school after the Easter break. He was reluctant to go back, so I was trying to use physical force to get him through the barrier to Platform nine and three-quarters._

"_We have plenty of time," he grumbled half-heartedly. He knew how much I hated to be late._

"_No we don't," I said, shaking my head. My red hair went flying. "Come with me, please. Don't make me wait alone for my other friends to get here." I gave him my best puppy dog eyes, and he sighed._

"_It's a good thing you're cute," he muttered._

_I laughed, and pulled him through the barrier by his hand._

_We were fifteen and had Potions class together when I overheard him talking to one of his classmates. "We've been friends for a long time, we grew up near each other," he said._

_I smiled, knowing that it was me he was talking about. My smile quickly fell when I recognized the voice of Maximilian Tucker, one of the other Slytherins in our year. "That doesn't make her any less of a Mudblood."_

"_Don't talk about her like that!" he snapped back, and I grinned. He always defended me against the other guys he hung out with. Always._

_We were thirteen, and I was upset because I had just received a "carrot top" comment from one of the much older students. I had always enjoyed having red hair, since so did my mother, but I hated the teasing that sometimes came along with it._

"_What's wrong?" Severus asked. Clearly, my anger was showing on my face._

"_Somebody just laughed at my hair," I grumbled. "I don't get it."_

"_Me neither," he said, picking up a few strands. "I think that red hair is very pretty." He flushed after he said it, which made me giggle._

"_Thanks Sev."_

_We were ten and I was having him tell me about Hogwarts again. "It sounds beautiful," I said wistfully. Even then, I could tell that the neighbourhood that we were in couldn't truthfully be described as beautiful. Home, yes, but not attractive._

"_We'll have lots of fun there," he promised, grinning. "There will be lots of other people like us there and we'll be able to practice using magic every day."_

_That made me smile. "Nobody will think we're weird for being able to use magic there either," I added happily._

_Severus's eyebrows furrowed together. "Being magic doesn't make us weird," he said, as though it was obvious. "It just makes us special. Remember that Lily."_

"_I will," I promised him solemnly._

I gave him a sad smile. "I guess you surprised us both then," I said.

He spoke very quietly. "Unfortunately," he said, his voice melancholy. "I meant it when I told you how sorry I was," he said. He looked me in the eyes as he said it and he sounded sincere, so I believed him.

"I know you did," I replied, rubbing my thumb over my belly. "I just wasn't ready to forgive you."

"Have you managed to yet?" he asked.

I looked at my old best friend in silence. He looked the same as he had when we were close all those years ago, just a more aged version of that young boy. He had the same dark hair that fell over part of his face as though it could hide him from the world, the same dark eyes that I always felt could read me too well at times, and a slightly deeper version of the voice I knew so well. Yet, despite all that, I couldn't honestly tell him that I had managed to forgive him. "Part of me has," I admitted slowly. "But part of me is still hurt and untrusting."

"Do you think you ever will be able to forgive me entirely?"

"I don't know, Severus," I said. "I really can't say."

**18 Years Later: 1998**

I sat, waiting somewhat impatiently. I could see what was going on and I knew that the time I was going to be needed was soon. I just couldn't be sure of when it was… seconds possibly, minutes at most.

As I was expecting, the older man went limp as his soul left his body. Almost instantly, his body materialized in front of me. Still, I did not move from my spot on the bench. I was merely observing, I wasn't needed yet. I kept my eyes trained on his face, being sure to ignore the rest of his nude body.

The man twitched slightly, and his dark eyes opened. He sat up, looking utterly confused, before he looked around. When his eyes landed on me, the look that came over his face when he looked at me could only be described as a mixture of shock and disbelief. He blinked a few times, rubbed his eyes, and looked at me again.

I couldn't resist the urge to laugh, and a small giggle escaped. Looking down, Severus realized that he was naked and blushed a deep shade of crimson. I tossed him a pair of black trousers, which he hastily put on. He still looked incredibly perplexed, but I was sure he was thankful to have some clothes on.

"Remember me?" I asked, with a small smile. We had not talked since that day when I was pregnant with Harry, and I remembered that that was the way he had greeted me.

"Lily?" he asked incredulously.

I smiled at him. "Of course it's me."

He looked around, taking in his new surroundings. Unlike the last time that we met, this was not a familiar place. Also unlike the last time we met, I was truly and completely happy to see him again.

"So I take it that I'm… dead then," he said.

I nodded. "Yes. I've come here to collect you and take you on." He looked puzzled by this. I remembered the feeling clearly, even though it had been many years since I found myself here. Thankfully, I had James with me at the time. It kept me from completely freaking out when I found myself face to face with my mother and my mother-in-law.

"Why?"

My eyebrows furrowed together. "You can't stay here forever, you have to move on like the rest of us. I'll take you to where everybody else is."

He shook his head slightly, still rarely breaking eye contact with me as though I would disappear if he looked elsewhere. "Not that. Why did you come and get me?"

I smiled at him. "Because I need to thank you Sev."

Severus's eyes widened momentarily at the old nickname. "For what?"

"Don't think I haven't noticed what you've been doing for the past several years," I said. "I've seen you looking out for Harry. And Albus has explained to me that you were the one who gave him the tip-off about Voldemort coming after my family."

A strange look came over his face. Shifting uncomfortably, he asked, "Does that mean that you know about…" Starting over, he asked, "Do you know why I did it?"

I nodded. "I know why you did it Sev. And it was very brave of you. All of it." He looked uncomfortable at the compliment, but I had to continue. "I will never be able to thank you enough for looking after my son."

"I didn't do it for him," he said quickly.

"I know that too," I said. "But I think, in time, you'll come to realize that you did it for reasons other than for me."

Severus looked down at his bare feet. "Does everybody know that I…"

"Protected Harry?" I supplied. "Yes. And they all want to thank you for it. Especially James."

His head snapped up and he looked at me. "James Potter?" he asked, as though he must have heard me wrong.

I laughed. "Of course James Potter," I said. "He reminded me to thank you at least half a dozen times before I came to collect you."

"Oh," he said. He seemed to be unable to get anything more elaborate out. I could see why the idea of James being so intent on thanking him would be strange, but under the circumstances, he must have realized that it was coming. Changing the subject, he asked, "Are we going to go to where you wanted to show me now?"

I shook my head. "I have something I have to do for Harry first," I said, grinning at the thought of finally seeing my son again. "But then I'll show you where everybody is."

"Have you managed to forgive me entirely now?" he asked.

"Completely," I replied. It was entirely true, he had saved my son's life on more than one occasion. If there was any way a person could completely redeem his- or herself, protecting my only child was it.


End file.
